Maybe it is or maybe it isn’t, but I’m counting as the most singular proof of misogyny on the Internet that I never get any kind of abuse from anonymous asks. Even though I’m mean, sarcastic, opinionated, I constantly belittle my own follower demographic, I’m self-congratulatory about my taste and looks… I could go on.
But on the other side of the spectrum, my female friends can post pictures of cakes, dresses, and entirely harmless diary excerpts from their personal life, and they get called ugly slutty attention whores constantly.
What does a dude have to do to get hated on around here?
Sometimes you have a shirt that, when worn, makes you feel that you could drink a glacier and eat a king. For me, this is that shirt.
You do realize that the dude in Double Dragon is the guy from Iron Chef. This epiphany has changed my world forever.
That’s it. Pack it in. World over. We lose.
Man, do NOT disrespect Capri Suns to me. I will disown you.
In order to live well, it is absolutely necessary that you yield to the immediate, natural impulse—when confronted by an obscure Google Voice error that causes your speech to be overdubbed five or six times through your cell phone—to begin singing the Lacrimosa in perfect harmony with yourself. This applies even if you are in the produce section of the grocery store and it appears to naive bystanders that you have begun a mass of the dead for the wilted stalks of romaine lettuce.
Since we’re already showcasing awkwardly set, semi-nostalgic Eighties videos today, allow me to present the stylings of the former lead singer of Kajagoogoo (a name from the history books, I’m sure) in his film soundtrack debut. This is Christopher Hamill, better known as Limahl, with ”The Neverending Story.”
Aztec Camera, “Somewhere in My Heart,” from Love. I have a suspicion that Roddy Frame is a genetic experiment combining the DNA of John Cusack and K.D. Lang.
What’s worse is that I ended up canceling the order of five Hornblower books so that I could order six of them instead.
For Future Reference, This is How I Figure Out the Western Canon After a Few Beers
- Q: What do you think students should be taught as far as literature and poetry go? [also something about The Canon which I do not remember]*
- A: Why you even got to ask this question, like it’s a thing. Ain’t no answer to this question. Ain’t no end to it. This question is a trap like “what is love?” is a trap and we are not talking about no semi-parodically-understood ancient-of-days clubbing song, we are talking about it in all caps like What Is Love and Is There Free Will In The World and What Is The Point Of It All, You Know, Like Do I Mean Anything To Anyone. You and I could have some strong drinks in our hands and “rap” about these questions for an age and ain’t neither of us would decide nothing, we would just maybe on the morrow have headaches and really bad dry mouth and perhaps our wallets or purses would be much less healthily fat with the currencies of our lands.
- Q: … [this represents silence]
- A: What is sure about this for me is that you got to start with some good old Homer and Hesiod, dudes who were Greek back when being Greek meant carving pillars, pissing off Trojans and inventing the idea of "having opinions," instead of today when being Greek means being named "Nick Popodopopolakos" and having chunky faux-gold man-rings. Those cats talked about true life back when iron was like the internet is now: a thing that made old folks shake their heads and be like, “Nothing is the same as it was when we all got together and thought up wearin’ textiles do you know what I mean.” Those two wrote some righteous things about war and farming and human emotions, all of which are basically the same although today they got such as laser-guided corn and genetically modified sadness, don’t you know.
- *: This was a question asked by isbrianna.tumblr.com, who characterizes the answer as "mildly terrifying." Thanks Brianna for giving me the opportunity to talk about my opinions. I like to have opinions in public.
The exact expression I make while playing video games competitively.
Trying to buy a nose ring for your girlfriend on the internet is just not a fun process. Jewelry, okay, fine. I know the places to go for this. I understand Tiffany’s and I understand its website. Nose rings? Where is the nose ring source? Who are the people you go to for this? Damn.
I realized that this is a first world problem, but subtract the internet and you have a possible third world problem. “I don’t know. What are they made of nowadays? Rhinoceros? Gazelle horn? Is gazelle horn okay? Is it tacky? What do you mean it invokes the rain spirits? Is that written down somewhere?”
Man, there are few things funnier than watching someone on Wikipedia decide they’re going to try to contest my expertise on Shakespearean sonnet sequences. The damn fool was English, too. Come on, he’s your national poet; have the sense to back off before it’s proved before God and all creation that you don’t have the sense of a child.
It’s not even eight ante meridiem and already I’ve spent more than fifty bucks on Amazon. Damn you, Saturday! Damn you.
